Habits

 

Habits work their way into days and routines without notifying us.  For example, driving.  Each of us have a driving routine.  I buckle my seat belt after I am fully out of the driveway.  I have a funny habit of leaving tags on new items.  Sometimes I will leave a gift or package unopened for awhile.  Sometimes a few days.  I don’t know why I do this.  We do things because of repetition often without any rationale.

   

When I was caring for Bill I developed habits.  I sat in our loveseat, my legs draped over its arm, so that I faced his hospital bed.  Then I found and held his hand for many minutes, usually in the dark of early morning.  With my free hand I caressed his.  In this way, I felt close to him again after spending the night without him in our bed.  The morning after he passed, I instinctively plopped down in the love seat and reached for Bill’s hand.  I actually groped for it and found only the keen remembrance.  Those first few mornings, the form of a hand was distinctive and yet, not there.

 

I would pick up my phone to speed dial him after a bit of news, after I’d heard from one of our kids, or to ask for directions or a simple question.  On one trip back to our home town (I moved closer to our son and his family — more on that to come) I drove toward our street.  My car, not me, made the turn to pull into our driveway.  I ordered a drink for Bill in the drive-through.  I flipped to the weather station so he could catch tomorrow’s forecast.  Habits.  Some are unchanging even when things change.  They leave me startled.  “What did I just do?” “My brain has been left behind.”

 

Even today, though I am much more aware of my habits, occasionally one will slip ahead of me and surprise me.  Like always, it takes my breath away, but then the breath releases a giggle.  “Look what I just did.  I’m a ding dong.” I find the habits that hang around and sneak out of their corners, comfort me.  It’s a reminder of my before life and how much I loved it.  Bill, you were the reason for so many habits.  After 40 years of marriage, I’m happy to mistakenly buy decaf hazelnut coffee Kcups.