Dependence

 

"Grief does something strange to you.  It exposes the stories you have been living, and then it tests whether any of them hold up when the sadness comes down."  Michael Keller, son of Timothy Keller

A story that has not held up underneath sadness for me is the fierce American push for independence. 

This culture raises us to be independent, to let go of mom while stepping through a kinder class room, to order a burger at the nose-level counter, to drive freeways at 16, to become an adult at 18.  To pick up and go after a husband leaves.  To try it, do it, manage it, choose it, bear it, figure it all out.  To listen to your own heart.  To find your own way.  To make it happen.

These steps mature us to be sure.  We learn as we are weaned.  Without the push we might lean too heavy on another.  On the other hand, grief tells us, makes us... lean heavy.  

Independence has been exposed and tested as sadness has fallen.  In my life.  Independence is lonely.  It's scary.  It's unreliable and unpredictable.  I long for dependence. 

I need a hand, a voice, a presence.  I want input, help, a flat-out take over.  Tell me when to go, to stop, to turn around.  Show me the way.  

This culture may have woven its drive for independence in me, but I am redirecting the story.   

The Jesus-story has been exposed and tested as sadness has fallen.  In my life.  Jesus is company.  He's safe.  Jesus is reliable and sure.  I long to put all my independence in his dependence.    

The Jesus-story holds up.